Taylor Swift’s Patient Zero video sparks a key question for everyone with a toxic ex

In case you missed it, Taylor Swift debuted her brand new music video for Patient Zero at the VMAs on Sunday night.

The star-studded production features Dakota Johnson, Colin Farrell and Cara Delevingne and follows Dakota’s character as she struggles in a relationship with a man who seems perfect on the surface, but is in fact very toxic.

Taylor plays the ex-wife, and throughout the video attempts to warn Johnson’s character to run, so she doesn’t end up like her.  

Since the premiere, many people who have experienced an unhealthy relationship dynamic have taken to social media to share how the video resonated with them.

And it’s also sparked one key question for everyone with a toxic ex: Should you warn their new partner what they’re really like?

In the Patient Zero lyrics, Taylor says she wouldn’t tell ‘someone else what to do’, but accepts a call from an ex’s new partner and offers support, as she knows the situation all too well. 

‘If you’re sick of him, I got you, I was patient zero,’ she sings.

But is this the best approach? Metro asked therapists for their professional opinion on whether or not you should get involved in this kind of situation. 

Here’s what they had to say…

BACP senior accredited psychotherapist, Debbie Keenan, says it’s a ‘really complicated issue’ and that people in this situation should start by considering their intent before saying anything.

Do you want to warn the new partner to protect them, or are you merely trying to take control of the situation/get revenge on your ex? 

She notes that even with the best of intentions, the warning might be taken the wrong way, and you could just be seen as ‘vindictive and jealous’. 

If you are genuinely trying to help the other person and decide to speak to them, you need to be prepared for this reaction. BACP accredited sex and relationship therapist, Cate Cambell, refers to this as the ‘dangers of telling’, and urges people to prepare thoroughly for the possibility of not being believed.

‘Usually, the ex has created a story of them as mad, toxic, and abusive, so the new person can be quite rejecting and it can cause a bit of psychological damage,’ she warns. ‘It’s even worse if the ex then hears about this and gets involved.’

Because of this, she agrees with Taylor’s stance from the song, claiming it’s better to wait for them to come to you.

‘When people are trying to recover from a relationship, it’s often better to keep well away – but maybe be available if the new partner contacts you. Even that needs some preparation, though.’

Baljit Kamal, a BACP-accredited psychotherapist and counsellor, also cautions against giving unsolicited advice to the new partner, as she points out what was true of your relationship might not be true of their one.

‘People can change or at least behave differently with different partners,’ she tells Metro. ‘Jumping in uninvited could be seen as intruding, and if the new partner isn’t ready to hear it, your warning might fall uninvited.’

Like Taylor and Cate, she thinks waiting to be contacted by the new partner is the best, most ‘balanced’ approach, instead of going out of your way to interfere. 

‘If the new partner asks directly, be honest about your experience; that way you’re not dictating their choices, but you’re also not hiding what happened to you,’ she says.

‘Sharing your story without exaggeration, without resentment, gives them information they can use, while respecting their autonomy.’

Albums What if there’s a genuine safety concern for the other person?

If there’s a genuine concern for the new partner’s safety, Debbie Keenan recommends sharing factual information with them, or signposting them to Clare’s Law. 

Clare’s Law is a UK scheme that allows the police to release information about a previous history of abuse or violence a person might have.

‘The police assess whether information can be lawfully disclosed,’ Debbie explains.

‘Pointing someone towards Clare’s Law can give them an independent way to find out any relevant information themselves.’

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]

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