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If you’ve never ever become aware of “gender disappointment,” it’s the feeling some individuals get when they discover that their infant is not going to be the gender they had actually wished for. Naturally, this includes an entire variety of cultural reviews– some individuals have gender dissatisfaction for really bothersome factors– however it can likewise hold true that in either case, individuals may picture a future with a kid of a specific gender and experience a bit of sorrow when it ends up being clear that their specific vision will not occur.
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When I saw this post from user dad_regret on the “predaddit” Reddit page for males ready to end up being daddies, I was instantly thinking about the reaction. The post starts: “Long time listener, first time caller. I’ll cut right to it: my wife is 14 weeks pregnant, and on Wednesday, we received the results of our prenatal genetic testing, which included the gender of our baby. I didn’t think I would have a preference, but when the midwife told us that we are having a baby girl, I felt a wave of disappointment and regret.”
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He continued: “It’s not that I wanted to ‘take my son hunting and fishing,’ or raise the next Dan Marino — I’m not a very masculine guy to begin with. What saddens me is that I probably won’t relate to or connect with my daughter the way that I could with a son. From the minor childhood activities like ballet and playing princess to more significant life events like becoming a woman, boyfriends/spouses, and potentially motherhood, I don’t feel any connection to or interest in those things. On top of that, I’m terrified of how dangerous and hard the world is for women, from basic inequality to hyper-sexualization, objectification, and sexual violence.”
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“I was really excited to be a father, but now, I feel depressed and disengaged,” he continued. “I’ve seen discussions in other forums for ‘Gender Disappointment,’ but I wanted to reach out to other [dads]/predads specifically, and ask whether any expecting fathers have experienced this and, if so, how they’re coping with it. I look forward to your responses. PS: I appreciate that I provided a very ‘sexist’ description of gender and life, and I understand that life in the western world is more nuanced and equal, but I’m trying to emphasize my point, and keep the post short. Please don’t roast me for it.”
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The post created a lots of actions from other daddies, which I absolutely needed to share. I likewise discovered this post about gender dissatisfaction in daddies, and I chose to share those actions, too. Here are a few of the most fascinating things they stated listed below:
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1.
“My first was a girl (now have a girl and a boy), and I’m going to give you my honest advice that’s going to sound mean perhaps, but it’s truly not meant to be. My advice is to suck it up. Your feelings now won’t matter once your girl is born; you’re going to discover love as you’ve never known, and if it’s anything like my experience, you’re going to have a blast with your little girl. I relate to her a lot, and I love playing with her. It feels so amazing to see her learning to pretend and play with dolls, dinosaurs, and stuff. She’s 3-and-a-half now, and I am so happy she isn’t a boy. You’ll relate to her because she’s yours, and you’ll see things in her you forgot you loved as a kid, etc. Trust me, you’ll be fine with a girl.”
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2.
“I thought I wanted a son, but once I held my daughter, it didn’t matter. You’ll love her, and she will be your world. Remember that your child will largely be interested in what you introduce them to. There is no reason your little girl can’t do/be interested in all the same things you were going to do with a son. You’ll forget all about this when you get to hold her, friend.”
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3.
“Oh man, I was in the same situation, but I only want girls now. Bring on the tea parties, you will be your daughter’s favorite. And really, there is not much difference — a girl can climb trees, play football, and roll around in the mud as much as a boy can. If you don’t raise a girly girl, you can share every activity with her.”
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4.
“Well, my dude, the one thing I would tell you is to adjust your expectation of what a little girl is… Also, just because you haven’t ever enjoyed a ballet session before doesn’t mean you might when it is your daughter. My wife did gym and dance, and her dad really enjoyed it with her.”
— erased
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5.
“These gender disappointment things always tend to be the woman wanted a little girl or the man wanted a little boy. Thing is, little girls LOVE their dads. I’ve got three younger sisters who are all in their 30s now, and they still hero-worship my dad. Likewise, I have two sons who always want Mummy to do their bedtime story. She’ll turn up, and you’ll both adore each other forever. Promise. Oh, and please still do all the stuff you would have done with a son with her. I must admit, I was slightly disappointed we didn’t have a girl the second time. I was looking forward to teaching her to change a wheel on a car, play the guitar, and put up shelves.”
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6.
“Interesting, I’m hoping for a girl but will be happy either way! I just think a little girl and her connection to her dad is so cute/beautiful. And also seeing the connection between mother/daughter would be a beautiful thing to me. Like a mini version of the woman I love.”
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7.
“Honestly, before we found out we were having a son, I really wanted a daughter. I wanted the chance to raise her to question everything and push back against gender norms. I wanted her to understand that STEM fields were absolutely open to her if that’s how she decided to go. I was disappointed for a while when we found out we were having a son. I gradually came to realize I could encourage him the same way, from the other side, as it was just as important for little boys to learn that girls were welcome in any pursuits they choose.”
— EKomadori
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8.
“I have a son and a daughter. I really never cared for the gender. However, when the ultrasound revealed that my first would be a boy, I felt a sudden weight of responsibility: In a moment, I realized I would be his model, so I would have to be extra careful to always behave in a gentle, caring, honest, and dignified way, so he might emulate me. It was only later that I understood that I would have to do the same if it were a girl :).”
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9.
“I kind of thought having a daughter would be fun. I have two boys now. Never got disappointed, both boys are absolute legends. Definitely didn’t fall into the trap of going back for more.”
— vamsmack
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10.
“I’ve never told anyone, but when my daughter was born, I initially felt that disappointment because I wanted a son. I thought I wanted the older child to be a brother who would look out for the younger ones. This was because I was a middle child with an older and younger sister, and my oldest sister pretty much did her own thing, while I remember wanting to be the older brother to my younger sister and look out for her. My younger sister told me she avoided getting picked on by the school bully because he knew of me. So my own frame of reference and experience was where that came from back then.”
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“In hindsight, I didn’t really know how time and experience would change my perspectives. I was a couple of decades younger than I am now, didn’t really know what being a father would entail, and didn’t know how my kids would turn out. I’d say to all the future parents out there with firm views on parenthood, we all have them. Our views are good starting points and guides, and maybe you’ll stick with them. But don’t be overly surprised if some of them change with experience.”
— Diocletion-Jones
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11.
“I never cared for the first one. It was a boy. Cool. He was a great kid. For the second, I thought, ‘might be neat to have a daughter, too. But if it’s a boy, cool.’ It was a girl. I gotta admit I smiled a lot on the way home. She’s awesome.”
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“Meh. I wanted girls because I assumed mini-me would be a fucking nightmare. I have two girls and never had a moment of regret. My dad is disappointed that our ‘name will die,’ but I’m perfectly fine with that.”
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“[For what it’s worth], having daughters doesn’t mean your name has to die. Women can pass their names down, too. I actually know multiple families where they either hyphenated or took only the wife’s name. In my ideal world, gender has no bearing on what name a married couple decides to take and pass on, should purely be which person has a cooler name.”
— idkwhatimdoing25
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13.
“I couldn’t have possibly cared less and ended up with two boys. With hindsight, I am glad they were the same gender, as it would have been incredibly hard for me to raise them both the same if they were different. I would have done it because it’s the right thing to do, but I’d have had an ulcer. The world is just a more dangerous place for girls.”
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14.
“I mean, I was hoping for a boy and got all girls instead. But I was never disappointed. It was love at first sight. Nothing in this world means more to me than my girls.”
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15.
“Gender disappointment??? Must be a mom thing. Haven’t heard about this in the dad pub. Please get out of your head. I was happy I had girls. I was just happy for healthy babies and mama.”
— LongDistRid3r
“I have encountered people who had it. Not as many lately, and most of my stories are older guys, but it is a thing.”
— TootsNYC
“That is sad.”
— LongDistRid3r
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16.
: “We had a girl and a boy. My husband was thrilled as he wanted to watch his children play sports. He gets to do this as our eldest is a fantastic athlete. Strong, fast, naturally excellent at everything. She is an incredible sportswoman. Our son is sweet, gentle, and loving, but hates sports and enjoys chess. Basically, their gender won’t define their interests and personality.”
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What do you believe? Have you ever experienced something similar to this, or understood a moms and dad to open about it? Let me understand all your ideas in the remarks– or, if you choose to remain confidential, do not hesitate to utilize the confidential type listed below.
Please note: some remarks have actually been modified for length and/or clearness.
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